Thursday, December 17, 2009

What ifs

     I'm working again. Sorry no pics, this place has some serious rules. I have to gain access at each interior door from a card reader and a palm scanner. This place does not mess around. So certain things, like pipe bombs, nuclear war heads, and cameras are not allowed. You know all the usual prohibited stuff. Whatever! But I'm glad to be working again. It's hard work, and I am sore, but it feels good. I eat and spend WAY too much when I have extra time on my hands!

     I am writing this sitting in my HM's room waiting for him to fall asleep. I so missed the 'learn to go to sleep on your own' window! The doctor said put him in his crib and walk out. Let him cry for 5 minutes, comfort him, leave, cry for 10, comfort him, leave, etc. etc. etc. Well he outgrew the crib a year ago. So I did the babygate across his door, he busts them down, so I put up two, same thing. Now we have graduated to the baby knob on his interior door handle wrapped in electrical tape. (The knob is wrapped, not the kid.....but there's an idea, mmmm?) But I feel terrible so I sit in here. I want him to fall asleep, not feel abandoned. How must he feel behind that closed door for five minutes? (never made it to ten.) Will my leaving him have a permanent impact on his adult relationships? Will he grow to mistrust, or worse mistreat women? My head just spins, it's awful. So here I sit, waiting, again. Why do we parent so much out of guilt and what ifs?

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